5 Ways to Build Strong Connections Like Top Consultants Do

Distilling the best of what I’ve learned from top courses, books, and leaders into 5 nuanced and actionable tips.

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How do you influence others? How do you get confrontative executives to open up? How do you get people to change?

Influence is an art many misunderstand.

As a young consultant, I tried to copy senior executives. Surely, they must know how to persuade, right? Wrong.

What I saw and tried to apply never worked: Talking, talking, and more talking—about my achievements, what we can do, and solutions in mind.

It achieved the opposite. The other side closed down. Why?

Because exerting dominance by talking a lot triggers a fight-or-flight response in others.

Frustrated, I looked for other sources of learning.

I took courses such as:

I read books on influence, such as:

I also observed and was mentored by our most successful project leads and partners.

And what I found was as simple as it was genius. This is the key takeaway:

To influence others, you need a genuine connection.

The key to building a connection is rapport.

So why would you fake anything? Why push ideas onto others?

Focus on building authentic relationships instead. It’s what makes work and life meaningful anyway. So it’s a win-win.

That was the game changer for my success and, frankly, satisfaction.

But how do you do that? How do you build authentic connections?

Here are the subtle 5 consulting ways that make a huge difference.

Become a Problem-Finder & -Understander Instead of a Solution-Pusher

Two simple facts make this clear:

  1. We all want to be understood and accepted
  2. We all have problems, whether we are aware of them or not

We often assume we know what the other person’s problem is. We’re usually wrong.

…Instead of doing any thinking at all in the early going about what you’re going to say — make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. — Chris Voss

How to find and understand problems

  • Prepare: Before meeting with someone, understand their context. What’s their job? What industry are they in? What changes are occurring in their context? Sounds simple, but it makes a difference.
  • Ask open-ended questions: When I started as a consultant, I had a simple checklist with the 5W2H questions: Why, What, Who, Where, When, How, How Much? I’d go through these mentally when I didn’t know another good question to ask.
5 Ways to Build Strong Connections Like Top Consultants Do
Checklist of questions and drawing of the process in discussion — image created by the author
  • Take notes (if adequate): I always visualize what we discuss. This helps me understand and pinpoint the crucial topics to follow.
  • Ask probing questions to get to the root. ‘You mentioned difficulty with delivery times. Can you elaborate on what specific problems you’re having?’ Or, ‘What have you tried so far to address this issue?’
  • Look for patterns: Do they mention certain things several times? How do they connect the dots? What categories of issues are there?

Finally, summarize your findings with the TOSCA framework used by top strategy consultants:

  • Trouble: What’s the symptom or trouble that makes this problem real?
  • Owner: Whose problem is it?
  • Success: How and when do we know we have effectively solved the problem?
  • Constraints: What limits do we have to consider when solving the problem? e.g., resources, time, skills, preexisting commitments, etc.
  • Actors: Who is concerned with how we solve the problem, and what do they want?
  • What is the core problem to address? Reflect this to the other person.
5 Ways to Build Strong Connections Like Top Consultants Do
The TOSCA framework for problem definition — image created by the author based on the TOSCA framework

A Hostage Negotiation Technique to Build Connection

Mirroring is one of the easiest yet subtle ways to build connection. It improves communication and deepens understanding.

Chris Voss, the ex-hostage negotiator, explains it in his book Never Split the Difference.

Here is how to use mirroring in conversations

  1. Listen carefully: Focus on what the other person is saying without planning what you will say next. Most people make that mistake.
  2. Identify keywords: Pick the last two or three important words they just said. These are often the core of what they’re trying to express.
  3. Repeat these words: After they finish a thought, repeat it as a question or confirmation. For example, if they say, ‘I’m really stressed about the new project deadline,’ you can ask, ‘New project deadline?’ or say, ‘Yes, the new deadline is a challenge. How did we end up here?’
  4. Wait for their response: Give them time to respond. People often fill this silence by providing more details.
5 Ways to Build Strong Connections Like Top Consultants Do
Word mirroring in action — Photo by RgStudio from Getty Images Signature edited by the author

What to keep in mind when applying Mirroring

  • Keep your natural tone: Be genuine and care about the other person. Your tone will reflect this.
  • Be patient: Give others the chance to elaborate.
  • Don’t overdo it: If you do it after every sentence, they’ll notice it. Mirroring doesn’t make sense after most sentences
  • Practice, practice, practice

“Negotiation is nothing more than communication with results. Getting what you want out of life is all about getting what you want from — and with — other people.”

— Chris Voss

How to Apply Active Listening

Everybody wants to be heard. But few people are good listeners.

But what is a good listener?

It’s someone who hears what others are saying and attunes to their thoughts and feelings.

To do that, I learned to read subtle cues and to control my own emotional response.

A simple mental frame that helped me was to imagine the other person as the hero of a story and me as their guide.

There are 3 main steps to become a good listener:

  1. Understand your listening style
  2. Make an active choice to listen and what to listen for
  3. Apply active listening techniques

Understand your listening style

People have different listening styles. Speakers have different listening needs.

Match them to build a better connection.

Firstly, figure out what your default listening style is. Are you…

  • …a task-oriented listener focused only on the most important and tangible takeaways?
  • …an analytical listener trying to analyze every problem on the spot?
  • …a relational listener who seeks to build connection and understand emotions?
  • …a critical listener who is quick to judge the content and the speaker?

Secondly, as you become aware, look for cues about the other speaker.

Are they emphasizing emotions and feelings?

Are they analytical and stressing root causes and analyses?

Are they judgmental?

Do they get straight to the point?

As you observe these cues, adjust to their style.

Make an active choice to listen

It’s a subtle but powerful change when you commit to be fully present for the next 30 minutes.

I ask myself: What does the other person need from this conversation? And what do I want to get out of it?

Apply active listening techniques

  • Show that you are listening by nodding, saying yes, and keeping natural eye contact. I will explain the latter in the body language section.
  • Keep natural eye contact, as I explain in the body language section.
  • Paraphrase and confirm your understanding: ‘I understand that…’, ‘Do you mean that…?’, ‘What I’m hearing is that…
  • Summarize: At the end of a discussion, summarize the main points and discuss the next steps or actions.
5 Ways to Build Strong Connections Like Top Consultants Do
Active listening — Photo by SDI Productions from Getty Images Signature edited by the author

The 5 C’s: Tonalities to Relief Stress in the Other Person

Your tone is how the other interprets the intention behind what you’re saying.

Why are you asking this question? Why are you saying this? Your tone gives them the answer to these questions.

This is because tone, like body language, conveys emotions.

Here are 5 tonalities that help the other person open up to you:

Concern

This is maybe the most important one. It shows that you care.

Can you pretend to care when you don’t? Yes.

Is that a sustainable strategy? No. Because no one who lives a fake persona ends up happy.

Curiosity

This one shows that you’re interested. It’s less intense than curiosity and good when you don’t know the other person yet.

If you start too early with concern, you may put the other person off.

Challenging

You could call it skeptical. This one prompts the other person to think about the topic again.

For example: ‘What would happen if you don’t do anything about it?’

This one is best when you already know the other person. For new connections, some perceive it as confrontative.

Confused

This one is helpful with people you have never talked to. It helps disarm the other person. For example, you might work on a project and need to get information from people you have never talked to.

If you are confused, others are more than willing to help you.

For example: ‘Are you responsible for ABC?’ — ‘Yes, I am.’

Ok, well, I’m not sure, do you process these uhmmm metal plates?

Here, you can pause and use ’uhmm’s’, which is normal when you just don’t know.

Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you’re in the door. — Chris Voss

3 Influential Body Language Tricks

Eye contact

Almost everyone has struggled with eye contact. Things that impact the ability to keep eye contact:

So what to do?

I follow two simple rules:

  1. The 50/70 Rule: I aim to keep eye contact 50% of the time while speaking and around 70% while listening.
  2. Don’t Stare: I break eye contact occasionally to avoid staring.

Open Gestures

This comes naturally to some, while others struggle forever.

I have 3 simple rules that help me connect with others:

  1. I keep my arms uncrossed all the time.
  2. I use my hands to gesture when I talk.
  3. I sit or stand with a straight, open posture. This signals confidence and receptiveness. It also reduces my stress and increases my power hormones — a win-win.
5 Ways to Build Strong Connections Like Top Consultants Do
Posture while active listening — Photo by PeopleImages from Getty Images Signature

Body Language Mirroring

It’s a simple trick with a large effect. Like the hostage negotiator technique, mirroring of body language is also powerful.

It creates empathy and rapport. It even helps salespeople close deals.

What you can do:

  • Subtly mimic the other person’s posture, gestures, or facial expressions. For example, when they touch their face, do the same.
  • Match the Mood: If the person is relaxed, adopt a relaxed posture. If they are formal, respond in kind.

Be subtle. If you overdo it, the other person will think you’re making fun of them. That’s game over.

Key Takeaways

When you want influence, you must listen more than you speak. Top negotiations, salespeople, and consultants do this.

Tune in to the frequency of your counterparts.

You want to get them out of the fight-or-flight mode. Instead, you want to establish rapport and gain trust.

Trust is the currency of influence.

To do this, try the following 5 techniques:

  1. Become a problem-finder and -understander: Use questioning techniques and -funnels
  2. Word mirroring: Repeat the last 2–3 words the other person said.
  3. Active listening: Match your listening style, know your goals, show understanding, paraphrase, and summarize.
  4. 5 Tonalities: Concern, Curiosity, Challenge, Confusion.
  5. Body language: Keep natural eye contact with the 50/70 rule, use open gestures to boost the right hormones, and mirror body language.

True connection is the basis for influence.

True connection is what makes work and life meaningful.

Fake it til you make it only gets you so far. Connect with sincere intentions, and then these techniques will help you.

Go from an ego-driven solution pusher to an authentic relationship builder to become a trusted partner.

Detach from your business results. Focus on understanding and connecting.

That’s when doors open up.

Now, go out, connect, and leave the world a better place than you found it.

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